Filed under: Thoughts on Work
Work defines the man. I know this is not supposed to be the way things are, but actually it is the way things are. How many times do you find yourself being asked “So, what do you do?” This is usually pretty early on in the conversation when you first meet someone. It is an attempt by people to try and get some grasp of who you are. And because what you do tends to feone you as a person, the asker will have some notion whether or not you have any common ground. It’s perfectly valid social etiqutte.
Anyway, this leads me to my thoughts today. I work as a Software Developer, but somehow I don’t identify with it. I don’t think of myself as the person that that image conjures up. I still have a picture of someone who is driving across Africa, living a free and easy life, with the future wide open and endless possibilities. Instead when I look in the mirror I see a forty year old man, dressed in a shirt and tie, going to work in an office, five days a week. This guy’s weekends are mowing the lawn and family time. Occassionally he’ll do some guy stuff. I don’t recognise that person.
About ten years ago that person in the mirror got really unhappy with his life, but felt that it was impossible to change it. The reasons were the usual, family and financial resposibilities, and a general lack of understanding by others that this was not the life I wanted. Changing that life would mean changes for others, and anyway, what’s wrong with your life. “Get a hobby.” “Live for the weekend” “Work to live, not live to work.” Empty advice when you don’t want to be the person in the mirror.
The medical solution to this is to prescribe anti depressants, and it works. It takes the edge off so you can continue to function as valuable member of society, one that doesn’t rock the boat. But the underlying unhappiness and dissatisfaction is still there. I could see it in the eyes of the person in the mirror, but ignore it. Every now and then I would try to go off the medication, but the eyes in the mirror, that sad look, would drive me back to the comfort of sleep walking.
Sometime ago, because of an external driver, I finally managed to go off altogether. The withdrawls are unpleasant, physically and mentally. The physical ones are easiest though as you know they will pass. Tingling, lightheadedness, anxiety. The mental ones are the harder because that won’t pass without me doing something. But this time I’d rather feel the feelings as it were and react, than zombie through my life avoiding the eyes in the mirror.